Suicide: A Personal Loss

Yesterday morning I was sitting at the breakfast table, sipping chai tea when I received a text message from my mother saying, “Let me know when you’re up and around.” A pang of fear punched me in the stomach for a moment. I thought, “Grandma must have passed away.” She’s been sick for a long time, my grandmother, and we’ve all expected her to pass at any moment. I sat with the thought for a moment, and decided that it was OK if she was gone–it was time.

I texted my mother back saying, “I’m up and having breakfast.” A moment or two later my phone rang. I picked up.

“Good morning, Mom,” I said.

My mother’s voice was grave, “I have some bad news,” she said.

“OK,” I replied.

“It’s really bad,” she said.

That pang in my stomach was back. Maybe it wasn’t about my grandmother. “What is it?” I asked.

“Ian killed himself,” she said.

My lungs forgot how to take in air for a moment. Ian was my cousin. I’d grown up with him. My eyes welled up with tears and I sobbed in a breath. Tears ran down my cheeks. A moment later I recovered myself enough to ask for details, but everything I learned made me feel worse.

I thought of my aunt, Ian’s mother, and of Ian’s brother. Their hearts must be broken. I cried for them. I thought about how much pain my cousin must have been in that he felt that death was the only escape, and I cried for his pain. I thought of the rift in our family caused by suicides–this is not the first one–and I cried for that great gaping hole of loss. I thought about what it must feel like to lose a sibling, and felt a surge of love for my brother and my sister, and sent them a message telling them how important they are to me. I don’t say it enough.

I called my friend, Jessica, and she listened to me while I cried, and then suggested we meet at the mall. So, I took my feelings shopping. I’m not ashamed. Later on, I met up with another friend for wine and conversation. I am so grateful for my support system. I love you so much.

I have experienced suicide from all angles, and possess a knowledge of it’s intricacies that few people do.

As a therapist, every day I ask the question, “Are you having thoughts of killing yourself?” It is a question that most people fear to speak out loud, but it has lost its power over me. I say it without even thinking–like most people ask about the weather. Much of the time people say no when I ask this question. But they say yes more often than you might think. An unexpectedly large portion of the population walk around thinking that they would prefer to be dead. I believe this is a symptom of just how sick our society truly is. We need to be kinder to each other. We need to show each other more compassion. We need to learn to love ourselves more. I do my best to guide people towards love.

What I don’t tell these people is that I truly understand their pain and their hopelessness, because I have been there myself. During the worst part of my illness, a neurologist told me that there was nothing more to be done for me, and that I would, “just get better with time.” I was so ill that I was completely unable to function. I couldn’t eat, keep food down, sleep, think straight. Over the course of a few months I had gone from a vibrant and self-reliant woman who loved to dance to the kind of person that the nurses recognized as a frequent flyer in the emergency room. I didn’t have time. I was dying and it was taking too long, and hearing that there was nothing more to be done nearly put me over the edge.

I had a plan. I would go to the beach, take a handful of the random pills doctors had prescribed to me and swim out into the ocean, never to return to land. I even drove to the beach and parked there a few times, but I didn’t get out of the car. I kept thinking about what it would do to my mother. I thought, “Let’s give it a month and see if I feel better.”

Miraculously, I did feel better. Only a little bit, but enough to give me hope. And then the next month I felt still better, and so on. I am healthy again, and living a full life.

While I wish I never had to go through that hopelessness, I’m glad that I gained that insight into suicidal thoughts. It makes me a better therapist. I can truly empathize with the feeling that death is the only way out.

Usually, however, it’s not true. Usually, there is another way.

When people are in the depths of severe depression, their minds tell them things that aren’t true. These thoughts are symptoms of severe depression in just the same way that fever and chills are symptoms of the flu. These thoughts do not reflect reality or truth, but they feel like they do, and people are so uninformed about the symptoms of depression that they often mistake these thoughts as truth when they are really just symptoms.

One of the things that Depression says is, “Death is the only way out of this pain.” Unless you are terminally ill, this thought is a lie. If you wait, the pain passes. This thought is a symptom of depression and nothing more. Don’t believe it. Get help.

Another thing that Depression says is, “The people in your life will be better off without you. You are a burden to them.” This is also a lie. The people in your life love you and want you to be in the world. They would rather help and support you through a depression than lose you to suicide. I promise you that.

Lastly, Depression likes to say, “The people in your life will be OK with your suicide. They might be sad for a bit, but they’ll get over it and go on with their lives as before.” I have had intimate therapeutic conversations with the family members of people who have suicided, and I know that they mourn the loss for the rest of their lives.

Depression lies. Do not believe it.

If you have been having suicidal thoughts, please get help. Go to your nearest emergency room, call 911, make an appointment with a therapist, or call a suicide hotline. There are many, but the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 24 hours per day, and the number is 800-273-8255.

If you are the family member of a suicidal person, please take their suicidal thoughts seriously. You would be shocked by how many suicidal clients have shared that they told a family member about their suicidal thoughts in an effort to get help, only to have their family member tell them “to just do it already,” or that they are “just trying to get attention.” I promise this is not true. It may make you feel safer to believe that it’s just an attention-seeking behavior, but it’s not.

If someone you love tells you that they are having suicidal thoughts, take them seriously. Help them to get to the emergency room, call 911 for a welfare check, help them make a therapy appointment, or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number above. It is better to be safe than very, very sorry.

My heart is heavy with loss, but I’m sending love and healing out into the world. If you need it, I hope that you feel it. Take care of each other.

Active Listening Skills: How to Make People Feel Heard

People often have no idea what it actually means when I tell them that I’m a therapist. Some people seem to think that being a therapist is akin to being a psychic or a mind reader. They say, “Oh. Are you psychoanalyzing me right now?” Aside from this question being annoying, it shows a clear misunderstanding of how therapy works. It takes time to build a relationship between client and therapist, and clients answer multiple questions–willingly sharing stories about their lives–before therapists can make inferences about what is going on psychologically.

Other people seem to think that being a therapist is like being an advice columnist, and that I spend my time telling people what to do. I can understand why they think that. Shows like Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura Schlessinger give the impression that therapists spend all day telling people that they are stupid and how to act right. We definitely don’t do that. In fact, one of the most basic rules of therapy is to avoid telling people what to do at all costs. Why? Well, because if they take our advice and it goes horribly wrong, we get blamed. Instead, we help people to weigh their options and look at possible consequences to choices that they make. Even when people specifically ask me to tell them what to do, I refuse. They need to learn to make choices for themselves instead of relying on their therapists.

When people ask me what a therapist actually does, I usually say, “We listen.” The fact is that I am a professional listener. I spent 2 years getting a master’s degree, and 5 years as an intern to learn how to listen. I know I’ve done my job well when a client says, “Thank you. I feel like you really listened and understood me.”

That sense of being understood is sorely missing from most people’s lives. We’re all so busy and distracted. To sit face to face with someone and truly hear what they’re saying without judgment seems like an exhausting and time consuming prospect. Many people even find the listening process to be uncomfortable and foreign. They dread the words, “We need to talk.” Talking seems like a threat instead of an invitation to listen and understand.

Yet isn’t being heard something most of us deeply crave? Truly being understood feels wonderful, and being ignored is terribly frustrating. As I write this, I’m having a memory of trying to express a need to an ex-boyfriend while he played on his phone. I pointed out to him that he wasn’t paying attention to me, and he put down his phone, but then immediately looked right through me at the television that was on behind me. I gave up. And after a sequence of similar situations, I gave up on him. I needed a partner who would listen to me.

If you’re reading this and recognizing that you need to do some work on your listening skills, don’t worry. I’m going to give you some great tips. However, listening is like an under-used muscle that needs to be worked, and only you can do that. It’s going to take practice to get your listening muscle strengthened.

  1. Pay attention: This one may seem painfully obvious, but it’s actually where most people fail. When someone is trying to communicate with you, put your phone away. Turn off the television. Face the person and make eye contact. When you find your attention drifting, bring it back to the conversation. Take in what the person is saying without judgment and don’t formulate your response or rebuttal in the middle of the message. Pay attention to the person’s body language in order to get the full meaning.
  2. Show that you’re listening: Do things that give the other person the message that you’re with them. Nod, ask questions, say things like “uh huh,” “yes,” or “that makes sense,” to show that you’re understanding. Saying these things doesn’t mean agreement. It only means that you’re listening. Summarize the person’s message periodically.
  3. Ask open ended questions: These are questions that encourage the person to elaborate instead of giving “yes” or “no” answers. I like “what” and “how” questions and avoid “why” questions if possible. “Why” questions tend to make the speaker defensive. Questions like, “What was it like for you when. . . .,” and “How do you feel about . . .,” are great open ended questions to use.
  4. Use reflections: Reflection is a technique where you repeat back what someone has said to you in your own words. This shows that you don’t just hear the person, but are trying to understand them. Starting your reflections with statements like “I hear you saying that . . .,” or “It sounds like you’re telling me that . . .,” can be helpful.
  5. Witness the emotions: Weirdly, I didn’t see this one in any of the articles I read in preparation for writing this piece, but I think it’s probably the most important one. Before you can make any progress in whatever issue you’re dealing with, you must witness the emotions. When people say that they don’t feel heard, it’s usually because their emotions have not been witnessed. What does that mean? Well, it means that you need to verbally acknowledge how that person is feeling. There is incredible power in saying, “Wow. That must be so frustrating,” or “You must be feeling very sad about that.” Listen for the emotions and then say what they are. Verbally acknowledging the feelings might feel scary at first, but it’s an incredibly powerful way to show the kind of understanding that can move a conversation forward.
  6. Defer judgment: Don’t interrupt the person with counter arguments or comments until you have heard the entire message. Interrupting is a waste of time. The person will feel that you haven’t heard or understood and will likely start all over again. Wait and pay attention until the full message has been communicated. Then, if you don’t know how to respond, simply ask for time to absorb. Something like, “Give me a second to take that in,” works great.
  7. Strive to understand: Your job is to understand the speaker’s point of view. It doesn’t matter whether or not you agree. Attempt to put your own reactions aside as you work to understand the speaker’s message. All people have reasons for their beliefs, needs and feelings. Their experiences in life are different from yours and those experiences have informed their viewpoints–just as yours have. To truly communicate, you must work to understand these different experiences and attitudes. This is hard work, but so very worth it. The more that you can understand different ways of looking at the world, the more well-rounded a person you become.
  8. Respond appropriately: Active listening is meant to foster respect and understanding, so when you respond please assert yourself respectfully. Do no attack or put the other person down. Do not minimize the message. Please remember–this person wouldn’t be talking to you if the message wasn’t important.

This may seem like a lot, but mastering these skills can truly change your life and relationships for the better. And while listening is work, being heard feels wonderful–like eating chocolate. So, remember this–when you listen to other people, they are more likely to listen to you. You have to give to get.

For more information, please check out these links: https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm

https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/active-listening.pdf

https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/reflections-communication.pdf

There’s No Such Thing as Perfect

“I’m a perfectionist,” is one of the most popular answers to that dreaded interview question, “What’s your greatest weakness?” It feels safe because, while we realize that being a perfectionist can slow us down, we also admire people that strive for excellence in this society. We make movies about people that single-mindedly pursue being the best against incredible odds, and we revere the slightly mad innovators. If you don’t believe me, just consider Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, Nikola Tesla, and Amelia Earhart–just to name a few.

However, the pursuit of perfection has a dark side. First of all, perfect doesn’t exist. There will always be someone who can do things better than you can. There will always be someone smarter, more educated, richer, prettier, and more talented. Years of practicing a skill can make you an expert, but it will never make you perfect. There will always be more to learn, and new innovations to master. Therefore, perfection is the proverbial carrot on a stick that you can never quite reach. The minute you achieve the goal you had set for yourself, is the minute you realize there is more to do and learn.

For example, in my younger mind, completing my master’s degree in psychology was the most wonderful thing I could accomplish. Years of study, writing papers and taking exams finally culminated in the proud day of my graduation. I was thrilled, and then I realized that I still couldn’t work as a therapist.

Instead, there was a new goal–to get my license. Five years after graduation, I accumulated 3,000 intern hours and passed two state board exams, I could finally call myself a licensed therapist.

That was incredible, until I started working more complicated psychological cases and realized that I still didn’t have the expertise that I needed to help people in the way that I wanted to, and they deserved. So, I started completing additional certifications. Now I realize that I will never be finished learning how to be a therapist. There is no perfection.

If I beat myself up every time I was presented with a patient that I didn’t understand, or was asked to perform a type of therapy that I don’t have training in, I would be paralyzed by the weight of what I don’t know, and that is the danger of perfectionism.

The very fact that you’re pressuring yourself to be perfect, combined with the truth that perfect does not actually exist, is a recipe for disaster.

It usually begins with parents or teachers who cannot see the value of rewarding children for doing their personal best, and hold them up against a standard that is out of reach. Over time, children internalize the message that they need to perform like professionals when they are only beginners, and they start beating themselves up for all of the mistakes that they make as they try to learn a skill. Instead of seeing mistakes as part of the learning process, they see them as failures. Why? Because that’s how they were taught to see them.

Eventually, the fear of failure overcomes the desire to learn something new, and the person drops the learning process altogether. Even if nobody else is judging the performance, the internal critic created by this perfectionistic society, is so harsh that it seems better not to try than to face its judgement.

How many great artists, scientists or philosophers have we lost because of perfectionism getting in the way? It’s impossible to know. However, I do know this. I am far kinder to myself when I make mistakes than the average person, and it took me several years to start trying to publish my book because I feared the judgment my work would inevitably receive. I still fear it, but I know that I will regret it if I let my life pass by without trying.

I also know that I hear about perfectionism getting in the way of my patients’ lives on a daily basis. One of the most important thing I work on with people is bringing things into their lives that create a life worth living–whatever that looks like for them.

I ask, “If you had a life that felt worth living, what would that look like?” Answers vary. For some it’s finding a partner. For some it’s travel.

Whatever it is, my next question is “What can you do today to begin bringing that into your life?” Usually, they tell me that there is nothing that they can do. It’s hopeless. So, I start throwing out suggestions.

Sometimes people take my suggestions and start making progress. However, much of the time they tell me, “I can’t do that. It won’t work, and it will hurt too much if I fail.”

It will hurt too much if I fail. The fear of that pain is enough to keep people living lives that don’t feel worth living.

Don’t be one of those people.

Instead, change your mindset. Accepting that perfect does not exist is freeing. Why strive to achieve something that isn’t there in the first place?

Instead, here are three simple truths to live by:

  1. The thing that you do is better than the thing that you don’t even try.
  2. Mistakes are not failures. They are part of learning. Each time that you make a mistake, you learn something new that will help you to do the thing better next time. With that in mind, congratulate yourself next time you mess up. You’ve just taken the next step towards mastery.
  3. All that you can do is your best–no more and no less. If your internal critic, or some person in your life finds fault with what you’ve done, simply say, “I did my best.” Don’t expect to be an expert immediately. Just do your best.

Next time that you hear your inner critic giving you a hard time because you aren’t doing something perfectly, talk back to it. Tell yourself that you’ve done your best, and that you are learning from your mistakes and will do better next time. Remind yourself that perfect does not actually exist. It will set you free.

Families of Choice

To say 2020 has been a rough year feels like a laughable understatement. While I sheltered in place and worked from home, trying to avoid adding to those infected with a deadly disease, it felt like the world around me did its best to make up for my personal inaction. When people ask me how I would describe 2020, I say, “It’s the year when everything and nothing happened.” Ben Folds describes it best in his song, 2020, which I highly recommend. Here’s an excerpt:

"How many years will we try to cram into one?
Who thought we'd be living 1918 again?
But we messed that up so bad, God had to toss 1930 in!
As the sun rose on 1968 this morning . . .
Please let's not add the Civil War!
How many years will we cram into one?"

As the world seems to be trying to do all the terrible things at once, we’re left trying to cope on our own. Not only have we been physically isolated by quarantine, many of us have been estranged from each other by political differences. So many of my patients have stopped speaking with friends and loved ones over politics that I’ve lost count, and it breaks my heart that ideologies could have such a devastating impact on relationships between people who have loved each other for their entire lives. I hope that we can all start to remember that disagreeing is OK and accept each other as the diverse creatures that we are.

The holidays can be a difficult time for people under the best of circumstances, but 2020 is introducing problems that many of us had never considered before. People are trying to decide if going to see family is a good idea–weighting risk of infection versus the pain of being alone. Loneliness during the holidays can contribute to depression by highlighting just how wrong the alone-ness is in a way that doesn’t happen at other times of the year.

If you’re falling into the category of isolation during the holidays–whether due to relationship or COVID problems, I would encourage you not to compare your life to the ideal. That Hollywood movie perfect Christmas is pretty unrealistic no matter what’s going on in the world, and it’s going to be even more out of reach this year. Radically accepting this fact will help.

Another thing that can help is surrounding yourself with your Family of Choice. Also referred to as Chosen Family. This term gained prominence in the LGBTQ+ community due to family rejections after coming out. Shunned by their biological families, LGBTQ+ people began surrounding themselves with people that they felt safe with in order to be accepted for their true selves, resulting in Families of Choice.

Linda Bloom, in her article “Family of Choice: Borrowing Relatives from Other Families,” describes her approach this way, “My biological family wasn’t always able to provide the kind of modeling that I needed to become a more conscious and loving person, so I decided to supplement them with members of my family of choice, a collection of surrogate relatives.”

I think Families of Choice are useful to adopt regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. An overwhelming number of people feel unsafe with their biological families. Pre-COVID, dealing with family during holiday visits was a frequent topic of therapy conversations. I did a lot of work with people on accepting their loved ones as they are, setting healthy boundaries, and coping with anger.

In addition to these skills, I often suggest that people think about who they do feel safe with, and how they can incorporate those people into their holiday festivities. In doing so, they don’t end up feeling like their holidays were nothing but stress and difficult family members, and they can have periods of feeling the warmth of belonging that we all fundamentally need. During COVID times, I think that gathering your Family of Choice around you may actually be a life saver.

You may be thinking, “but what about quarantine? I can’t have a group of friends together right now,” and you would be right. So, it’s time to get creative. Perhaps you can meet individuals from your Family of Choice outside, and one at a time. Perhaps you can do what my friend suggested to me today, and park in the same parking lot, windows facing each other, and talk on the phone so you can see in-person faces. Masked outside gift exchanges could be a thing. Do whatever you need to do to fill that need for community, but also stay safe. Yes, it’s a lot of effort, but it’s worth it. Community and belonging is a basic human need.

If you are alone this holiday season, please know that you still matter. The world is a better place because you are in it. If you find yourself feeling depressed and unsafe in your loneliness, please know that there is always help and support available. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours per day any day of the year at 800-273-8255, or you can simply call 911. There are also multiple online support groups available so that you can start creating a Family of Choice that understands what you’re going through. I highly recommend the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) at http://www.dbsalliance.org. They offer peer led support groups nationwide as well as education and tools on coping with depression and bipolar.

Above all, please take care of each other.

Aligning with the Cycles of Life

Yesterday was Halloween, and even here in Southern California, I can feel a shift in the earth. While the days are still warm, the evenings are cooler. I’ve even needed a sweater a few times. The produce at the grocery store has shifted from summer to fall fruits and vegetables and instead of the happy heads of daisies, I see the yellows and oranges of marigolds and chrysanthemums. Earth is letting go of the fecundity of summer, and getting ready for the cold, quiet rest of winter.

Multiple traditions recognize this time of year as special for honoring and remembering the ancestors–people we have let go of from our lives. Yesterday, in honor of this tradition, I sat for a time and remembered family members who have passed, and I said their names out loud to honor them. It made me feel close to deceased loved ones even though they are gone.

Western society has an uncomfortable relationship with death and letting go. We tend to value youth, beauty, fertility, productivity and accomplishment. We tend to devalue and even ignore age, wisdom, infirmity, rest, and death. I would argue that this emphasis on burgeoning productivity is unhealthy. It makes us value silly things that don’t matter like the size of our waistbands and the amount of hair on our heads instead of valuing the experience of a long life or the need to unplug and let our minds have a break.

A shocking amount of people don’t allow themselves to rest. They feel that if they aren’t producing something at any given time, then they are being lazy. They push themselves to accomplish, to multitask, to show results at all times. Then, if they didn’t get everything on the list completed, they mentally beat themselves up about it. In order to maximize productivity, they start cutting things out of their lives that give them rest and pleasure because they feel those things are a waste of time. As a result their lives feel empty and not worth living. Their bodies are over-taxed and not well cared for. And their relationships die from lack of nurturing.

This is an extremely stressful and unhealthy way to live.

We need to start managing stress in more healthy ways. Instead of admiring people that spend all of their time producing, foregoing rest, and never taking vacations, we need to recognize that people like that are setting themselves up for a heart attack. Literally. Stress changes the way that our bodies distribute and store fat, clogging our arteries and creating heavy bellies. Stress also leads to depression. Our nervous systems aren’t set up for a constant state of go. Eventually they will shut down in order to make us rest–a state we call depression.

We need to get more in sync with the cycles of life in all areas. Instead of pushing Earth to produce even out of season, we need to allow her to rest, just as we need to allow ourselves that same grace. We need to value all of the stages of life, not just youth and beauty, but also the onset of middle and older age, a time when our experiences begin to converge into a wonderful state of wisdom and balance.

We also need to get more comfortable with death and letting go. As painful as it is, we can’t keep all of the people in our lives forever. In a discussion of letting go, I was once asked to imagine if everyone I had ever known or been close to was living in my house. I imagined my exes all living with me–all of my former friends and colleagues, and my stomach churned with the stress of having all of those people around me all of the time. I understood that in order to move forward in my life, I’d had to let those people go, just as they had let me go in order to move forward with their lives.

Just as the Earth has to shed the leaves and fruits of summer in order to rest and regroup for the next season’s rebirth, we have to shed our old selves, our old relationships and our old beliefs in order to move forward. We need times of rest and reflection in order to feel into what needs to change in our lives for our own rebirth. We need times of pleasure, just for the sake of pleasure, in order to feel alive and like all of the hard times are worth it.

I encourage you to ask yourself, what can I let go of today in order to get more aligned with the cycles of life, death and rebirth? Maybe there are material objects that you need to get rid of. Maybe there are people that are holding you back. Maybe there is a way of viewing yourself or the people around you that is out of date. Maybe you need to let go of your belief that productivity is the most important thing in life, and that rest equals laziness.

Change is an important part of being alive. Instead of holding on to the way that things have always been or the way you have always thought, I encourage you allow a time of rest, reflection and letting go in order to move into a brighter and fresher you, just as Earth rests in the winter in order to store up the energy she needs to burst into flower in the spring.

The Four Agreements and How They Can Set You Free

I’ve been struggling all day with a terrible case of writer’s block. Most weeks my blog post will simply form in my head based on something that I experienced, read or thought a lot about during the week. This week, however, I sat in front of my computer with nothing. My world felt heavy and uninspiring and the words refused to come. After staring at the blank computer screen for a while, I went and watched The Trial of the Chicago Seven on Netflix (excellent, by the way). After the movie, I still couldn’t think of anything to say, so I started scrolling through Facebook. That’s when I saw a post sharing information from don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, and I thought, “Wow. I’ve never written about The Four Agreements, and that book is basically my guidebook for living. I’ve got my topic!”

Ruiz opens the book by describing what he calls “the domestication of the human.” He says that little children are completely wild. They do whatever they want and they don’t worry about what anyone thinks of them. Then, society (parents, teachers, etc.) introduces the concept of “no.” Children are told not to do things that come naturally to them, and they are told that they are bad when they do those things, or that they’re good when they do what society wants. They are rewarded with praise or attention when they do what society deems to be “good,” and they are punished when they do something society sees as “bad.” Over time the child internalizes these concepts of good and bad, and the system of beliefs about what is right and wrong becomes the adult person’s agreements with life.

Most people never question these agreements, but many of them are damaging. Ruiz suggests that by adopting four different agreements, the person can obtain personal freedom.

The First agreement is “be impeccable with your word.” Ruiz discusses how most people have an ongoing negative and self-critical internal dialogue. He calls this negative self talk “The Judge.” He says that The Judge is very ready and willing to point out and shame the person for any minor violation against their agreements. For instance, perhaps you have an agreement with life that it’s not OK fail. If you have this agreement, you might avoid trying new things because the risk of failure is just too high. However, we all have to do new things sometimes, and when you inevitably make mistakes, your internal Judge tells you that you are “stupid,” or “a loser.” You internally say things to yourself that you would likely be quite hesitant to say to other people. This internal harshness reinforces your agreement and makes it even more terrifying for you to do new things that might lead to failure.

Clearly this is a damaging process. In order to overcome it, you can adopt the agreement to be impeccable with your word, which means that instead of judging yourself harshly for any infraction, you instead agree to avoid self criticism–you agree not to say things that go against yourself. Over time this new agreement takes over and clears up the old agreement that you had not to ever make mistakes. Can you imagine how much freedom this would bring into your life?

The second agreement is “don’t take anything personally.” The great truth that Ruiz reveals here is that what other people do or say has nothing to do with you. I believe that this is 100% true. Other people’s actions are a product of their own agreements with life, and you have no control over those. If you think about it, when people apologize they say things like “I’m sorry. I was having a bad day.” They admit that it was never about you in the first place. You have no idea what that other person has been taught, the agreements they may have, or what pain they have endured. If they hurt you, it’s as a result of their own agreements with life, not a result of your unworthiness.

Now, it’s important to say here that not taking it personally does not mean that you put up with being mistreated. If someone is treating you badly, know that it’s not about you, and walk away. Think about how much pain this agreement could spare you. If someone behaves hurtfully to you, instead of taking it on, or trying to prove them wrong, you can simply know that it’s not about you at all and move on from it.

The third agreement is “don’t make assumptions.” It is my belief that most of the pain that people endure in life is due to making assumptions about other people’s thoughts, feelings, or motivations. For example, you’re walking down the hallway at work and you wave hello to your coworker, who seems to look at you and then walk away without returning your greeting. Since you don’t know why your coworker apparently ignored you, your mind starts coming up with stories to explain it. Our minds love explanations for things that don’t make sense to us, even if those explanations are not actually true.

Unfortunately, the explanations our minds tend to come up with are worst case scenario, so maybe your mind decides that your coworker is angry with you about something. You don’t know what it is that you’ve done to anger your coworker, but now you’re behaving defensively around that person, which actually results in that person disliking you. However, what you don’t know is that your coworker is near-sighted and didn’t have their glasses with them. It’s not that they were angry with you. They simply couldn’t see you.

Instead of making assumptions about other people’s behaviors, simply remind yourself that you don’t know what their motivations were. Then ask yourself how important it is that you find out. If it’s truly important to you, then go and ask the other person what happened. If it’s not, then drop it completely.

The fourth agreement is “always do your best.” This is probably my favorite one. Ruiz says that in every situation simply do the best that you can. Don’t do any more or any less than your best. The idea of doing more than your best had never occurred to me before, but it’s extremely important because I think that many people are spending their time doing more than their best and burning themselves out. That’s not healthy.

I also love this little tidbit from Ruiz. He says that if you’ve done your best, then when someone criticizes your performance, you have your answer, “I did my best.” It’s so true! And if someone says, “your best isn’t good enough,” please go back to agreement number two, don’t take anything personally. Clearly that person needs to reassess some of their own agreements. Doing your best is always something that you should be proud of.

Remember that your best will vary over time. Your best will be different when you are healthy and when you are sick. It will be different when you are rested and when you are tired. And your best is always going to be different from someone else’s best. That’s OK. If you truly did your best, then give yourself the credit that you deserve.

For more information, please check out don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, or any of the Toltec Wisdom books by the Ruizes (don Miguel or his sons), HeatherAsh Amara, or Carlos Castaneda. These writings have changed my life for the better in many ways, and I think that they can do the same for you.

Embracing Struggle

One of my all time favorite movies is The Princess Bride. It’s full of excellent quotes, incredible satire, and wonderful acting. In the past I’ve had a few Princess Bride quoting duels with friends that eventually dissolve into giggling to the point of tears. Recently I followed Cary Elwes (who plays Westley/Dread Pirate Roberts in the movie) on Twitter, and he has been posting some of his best lines from Princess Bride. Yesterdays was, “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

After a chuckle where I remembered the scene from the movie where Westley performs this witticism, I started thinking about struggle. Often, it seems that people are living life to minimize struggle and maximize pleasure. Advertising campaigns center around presenting a problem that people might identify with, and then showing how their product can solve it. Overweight? Well, try this pill. Dirty floor? Well, try this cleaning product. Frizzy hair? Buy this hair product and your problem is solved.

When hard times hit, as they definitely have in 2020, people tend to look forward to a time when the struggle ends and life goes back to being easier. When there is illness, people look for cures. When relationships get rocky, people look for ways to smooth them out.

Clearly, avoiding struggle is part of human nature. Often, I hear parents saying that they don’t want to their children to struggle the way that they did, and then they do their utmost to make life as easy as possible for their children.

While I understand the instinct to protect, and to seek ease, I wonder about the wisdom of this philosophy. Having had my share of hard times, I can tell you that struggle has led to the most growth in my life, the most self-reflection, the most fruitful changes.

An abusive marriage and ugly divorce led to my going back to school and becoming a psychotherapist. A terrible illness led to my journey into authorship, blogging and podcasting. A painful breakup led to intense spiritual growth and a desire to invest in learning about music and another language. When the fires of struggle show up, if we can embrace them instead of fight, they can forge us from a raw metal into a weapon of great strength and beauty.

On the other hand, we’ve all encountered people who are the product of too much ease and too little struggle. We joke that they were “born with a silver spoon in their mouths.” These people tend to be arrogant in their own ignorance of what it is to do hard work–what it is to truly struggle. Often they seem to look down on people who don’t have it as easy as they do, and seem to think it’s some kind of moral failing on their part that the world is harder on them. We call these people who haven’t struggled things like “entitled,” “immature,” and “green.”

Deep down we know that people need struggle to become fully-formed human beings, but we still do our best to dodge it at every turn, and to shield our children from it. We look at celebrities and wealthy people, who we imagine live a life of ease (although this is not actually true), and we think how wonderful it would be to live those lives, leading to even more discontent with the struggles of every-day living.

I would like to advocate for a change in attitude. Instead of looking down on people who are struggling and envying those who have a vapid and overly easy existence, I suggest that we embrace struggle as the transformational process that it is. I suggest that instead of thinking, “Aww . . . poor thing. She/He is really struggling right now,” we think “Wow. That person is really in the forge of the fires of struggle. I wonder what the finished product will be.”

It’s OK to be struggling. It’s a part of life. If your kid is having a hard time with distance learning, that’s OK. Working through that struggle, helps your child to learn how to deal with adversity. Most of us are struggling in some way with the pandemic. Perhaps the struggle is isolation, or joblessness, or fear of infection. Maybe it’s all of these together. And, yes, it is hard, but instead of denying or fighting the reality of your circumstances, I suggest that you ask yourself, “What are the lessons that I could learn from this time in my life?”

Now, I’m definitely not advocating for a “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps” mentality. That’s one of my top ten most hated phrases. What are bootstraps, anyway? And how am I supposed to pull myself up with them? No. Instead, treat yourself and others with compassion. Support the people in your life as they support you in return. We need each other, and there is no shame in that.

I’m saying that struggle is not something to hide from or be ashamed of. It is not something to apologize for. Each person’s individual struggle can be like a personal hero’s journey. Every hero starts out naive and untested, and then is strengthened by adversity. Nobody is born heroic.

I think it would be appropriate to end with a quote that was brought to my attention by Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly. I think it captures this idea of embracing the formative quality of struggle perfectly: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat,” Theodore Roosevelt.

Gaslighting: What it is, and How to Recognize it

It wasn’t until after my first marriage that I first heard about the concept of “gaslighting,” and as soon as I understood what it meant, I thought, “Wow! I wish I’d known about that years ago. That perfectly describes my 6 years of marriage.” I’m hopeful that I can save you years of pain and frustration by sharing this information with you now.

The term comes from the 1944 black and white film, “Gaslight,” which I’ve actually taken the time to rent on Amazon and watch for myself. It’s dated, but still a wonderful psychological thriller, and I definitely recommend it. In the movie, the main character marries a man that seems perfect in every way. He’s charming, handsome, wealthy, and appears to be completely in love with her. After the wedding they move to his ancestral home where things slowly and insidiously start to unravel. The woman’s belongings keep going missing and appearing in strange places, and the gaslights (from which the movie gets its name) keep turning on and off at strange times.

When the woman tells her husband about these peculiar occurrences, he tells her that they aren’t actually happening and that she is losing her mind. He even goes so far as to get a psychiatrist to examine her and back up his claims of her insanity. His insistence on her mental instability is so pervasive that she actually starts to believe that she is going crazy until the big reveal in the end, when we find out what his devious plan was the whole time. I won’t spoil it for you.

“Gaslight” is a wonderful example of the slow, methodical and insidious nature of gaslighting. It’s a long game power play where the perpetrator slowly makes the victim question her/his own reality. The Psychology Today article, “11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting” by Stephanie A. Sarkis, PhD, describes gaslighting this way, “Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed.” The slow and methodical nature of gaslighting is what gives it such power. Because of the steady and mounting message the victim receives that her/his senses can’t be trusted, it begins to feel like the truth.

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting by Stephanie A. Sarkis Ph.D.

According to Sarkis, there are 11 warning signs of gaslighting to watch out for, and I’d like to explore them here.

  1. They tell blatant lies
  2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.
  3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.
  4. They wear you down over time.
  5. Their actions do not match their words.
  6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.
  7. They know confusion weakens people.
  8. They project.
  9. They try to align people against you.
  10. They tell you or others that you are crazy.
  11. They tell you everyone else is a liar.

Let’s explore these symptoms in more detail. I think that the first two make a good pairing. Gaslighters love to lie. They use it as a tool to confuse you. Even if you have a recording of them doing the thing that they’re lying about, they will continue to lie and tell you that it didn’t happen. They’ll do it with a straight face and belittle you for trying to stand up for yourself, truth and reality. Why do they do this? Well, because over time it makes you start to question the nature of truth and facts. It makes you think that maybe nothing in the world is certain, which is exactly what they want. When you no longer know the nature of truth, you are easily manipulated to believe whatever the gaslighter wants you to believe.

Number three, using what is near and dear to you as ammunition against you, is a potent tool. My ex-husband used to use my religion against me–attempting to control me based on religious beliefs about gender and relational power dynamics. I’ve worked with clients who intimidated their partners into staying with them by saying that they would take away their children if they left. Remember that this is a power and control tactic. It’s not based in reality, but because it touches on deep-seated fears, beliefs, or values it works to intimidate and control the victim.

Number four, “they wear you down over time,” is an important one. Gaslighters start out with a friendly and welcoming demeanor, and charm their victims into trusting them, and then over time begin to introduce their power and control tactics one subtle drop at a time. By slowly chipping away at the victim’s reality and relationship to truth, victims often don’t realize that their worlds have become more and more confusing until they don’t trust their own senses at all, which leaves them in the precarious position of looking to the gaslighter to tell them what to believe. This is exactly the outcome that the gaslighter wants.

Number 5 is probably the biggest give-away of a gaslighter. “Their actions don’t match their words.” They tell you that they are going to do something, and then they don’t do it. They tell you something was done, and you then find out that it wasn’t. They make promises that they don’t keep, and then they tell you that they never promised it in the first place. If you start to notice this trend, run!

Number 6, “They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you” works like this. The gaslighter has told you that you’re crazy and don’t know anything one too many times, and you’re starting to think this person is a bully and you need to get out of the relationship, leave the company, or even the country. Then, suddenly the gaslighter does something nice for you, gives you a gift or a compliment, a tax break, etc. You think, “well, maybe they’re not so bad. Maybe I was over-reacting,” and then the gaslighting resumes even stronger than before.

As the victim’s confusion deepens, number 7 comes into play, “They know confusion weakens people.” Our ability to trust our own senses and interpretation of reality gives us a rootedness in life. By eroding your ability to trust that you know what is true and not true, the gaslighter is literally cutting you off at the root, leaving you weakened and dependent on them for support. That is the entire point of the gaslighting process.

Number 8, “They project.” This one is super weird when you experience it. You confront the gaslighter about bad behavior, and instead of taking responsibility, they accuse you of doing whatever it was that they did instead. For instance, my ex-husband used to accuse me of being bad with money when I would talk to him about the fact that he had just emptied our bank account. Gaslighters do this because it distracts you from the reality of what happened and makes you start defending yourself instead.

Number 9, “They try to align people against you.” This tactic may or may not be reality.
Gaslighters tell their victims that others are against them, and that the only person that the victim can trust is the gaslighter. Remember that they lie, so they may be making it up, but they may actually go so far as to poison people against you. I had an ex-boyfriend who called me “psycho-bitch” to anyone who would listen. By making people believe that I was crazy, he isolated me from my support system in an attempt to make me more dependent on him. This tactic also served to make people question the validity of my statements, especially about him and the way that he treated me.

Number 10, “They tell you or others that you are crazy.” I touched on this earlier, but this one is super important and bears repeating. I find that the operative word tends to be “psycho.” If anyone ever calls you psycho, run. If they call their exes psycho, run. If they call their family members psycho, run. Don’t look back. This person is very likely a gaslighter.

Number 11, “They tell you that everyone else is a liar.” Your world is already on shaky ground. You don’t know what is real and what isn’t anymore. You’re not sure that you can trust your own senses or that you’re mentally sound. Then, the gaslighter tells you that your family, the media, your friends, other countries, or some group are always lying to you. Since you don’t know what’s true anymore anyway, this gives the gaslighter the power to shape reality to his/her own benefit.

Anyone can fall victim to these tactics. This isn’t something that only happens gullible people. It happens to smart, educated and powerful people all of the time. If you’re reading this and recognizing that there is a gaslighter in your life, don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. Don’t try to change the gaslighter or reason with them. It won’t work. Just leave.

It will take time for the world to start to make sense again after being gaslit, and that’s OK. Give yourself the patience and gentleness that you were missing with the gaslighter while you heal and find your footing again. The important thing is to just be with yourself as long as it takes to get to the other side of healing.

The Importance of Belonging Instead of Just Fitting In

Depressed people often tell me that they spend most of their time pretending to be happy. They feel that they must–that it’s expected of them. They say that they are exhausted by keeping up the pretense of cheerfulness, and that it feels like a mask that they wear to fool the people around them into thinking that they’re “normal.”

Every time someone tells me that they wear a mask of cheerful pretense, the Beatles song, Eleanor Rigby pops into my head:

“Eleanor Rigby
Picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window
Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?”

Clearly this sense of wearing a mask to fool the world is not new or isolated. In fact, I would bet that we all have done it from time to time. Some of us are better at it than others. Personally, I’m terrible at it. When I try to pretend, I come off as cold and stiff, and everyone knows that I’m not acting normally.

Susan David, in her TED Talk, “The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage,” says that “being positive has become a new form of moral correctness.” She calls this “a tyranny of positivity.” I agree with her. Somehow pretending to be happy is seen as better than living an authentically felt life, and people are shamed for being “negative,” or displaying emotions seen as “bad.” As a result, people walk around wearing happy faces, but feeling dead inside.

You may wonder, what’s bad about pretending to be happy? Isn’t that the point of “fake it ’till you make it?” The answer is that pretending to be happy cuts us off from authentically connecting with other people, and authentic connection is one of the greatest and most basic needs of human beings.

Below is a picture of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which came up regularly in my college psychology courses. Starting from the bottom of the chart, you’ll see the most basic human needs for food, shelter, water, and clothing. Once those are satisfied, the next level is for safety. Directly after basic survival and safety comes love and belonging, including a sense of connection. Connection is not a luxury–something that might be nice to have one day. Connection is number 3 on the hierarchy of human needs. It’s that important.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a scalable vector illustration on white background

However, there is a big difference between belonging and fitting in. Fitting in happens when people conform in order to be accepted into a group. Fitting in is that lonely feeling of wearing a face that you keep in a jar by the door. It’s the exhaustion that you feel after pretending to be happy all day when you want to cry on the inside. Fitting in does not fill that basic need for connection. Instead, it makes us feel even more lonely than being alone.

Belonging, on the other hand, is the feeling of ease that you have with a trusted friend. Belonging is the knowledge that it’s OK to show your authentic feelings, because the person that you’re with will understand and will continue to support and love you. It’s only in belonging that the basic need for a sense of connection is fulfilled.

In order to have true belonging, it’s necessary to be vulnerable, and while the idea of vulnerability may be so uncomfortable that it immediately makes you want to stop paying any attention to what I’m saying, please stay with me. This is important.

In her TED Talk, “The Power of Vulnerability,” Brene Brown explains that “in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen. Really seen.” In order to feel that authentic connection that is one of our basic human needs, we have to be able to take off the mask, stop pretending to be happy when we aren’t, and show our true faces. The longer that you’ve been pretending, the more vulnerable this will make you feel.

When I work with clients on their need to belong, they often tell me that the idea of not pretending is preposterous, and that there is no way that they would allow themselves to be so vulnerable. I tell them that the fact that they had such a strong reaction tells me that vulnerability and the ability to be authentic is where the true work is for them. If you’ve had a strong reaction to the idea of being more authentically vulnerable with people, the same goes for you.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you go around telling your deepest darkest secrets to everyone you meet. Being vulnerable with people is a process. It doesn’t happen all at once. If there is someone that you think you might like to get closer with, reveal something small to them and see if they can handle it, and if they share something small with you in return. If so, try sharing something a little bit more personal, and so on. Creating true connection takes time, and you should only share your most personal stories with people who have earned the right, and have shown you that they are worthy. This is the way to build authentic connection with people who are safe.

Will there be times that you will pick the wrong person and get hurt? Of course there will be. However, building belonging in your life is worth the risk.

Belonging heals. In tribal cultures, when a member of the group is sick, the entire community takes part in the healing. The whole group comes out and dances around the fire, sings, or talks with the sick person. While these treatments aren’t necessarily scientific, people often do get well simply because the entire group showed up for them. Can you imagine how it would feel if your entire community showed up for you when you needed them?

Because so many people in Western culture confuse fitting in with belonging, and refuse to take the scary step towards vulnerability, the power of authentic belonging has eroded. When people are depressed or sick, they tend to end up more isolated than they were before their illnesses, and their isolation makes them sicker.

I would like to challenge you to examine your relationships. How many of them are based on fitting in and how many are based on true belonging and authentic connection? If you don’t have many authentic relationships, take the leap into vulnerability with the people that you feel have earned the right to it, and start building true belonging into your life. You’ll be glad that you did.

Healing Our Problematic Relationship to Anger Through Healthy Boundaries

Society’s relationship with anger is problematic as it’s an emotion that often gets confused with aggression. However, they’re not the same thing. Anger is an emotion that everyone experiences from time to time, and it’s perfectly healthy to do so. However, acting aggressively, while sometimes important for self protection, mostly causes unnecessary pain in the world.

When clients ask me to help them with anger problems, it’s frequently divided down gender lines. While there is some overlap between sexes, men tend to tell me that they lose their tempers too easily, yell, swear, frighten those around them, and sometimes hit–both objects and people. They ask me to help them to get a moment to pause and consider their behavior before they respond because their aggressive behaviors are damaging their relationships, or causing them legal problems.

Women, on the other hand, tend to tell me that they can’t access their anger. They say that people treat them terribly, but instead of becoming angry, they become sad or depressed. They blame themselves. These women feel immobilized by their own inability to get mad enough to set boundaries or create change in their lives and relationships.

I don’t believe that these gender differences in relationship to anger are actually biological. Instead, they are a product of society’s penchant for gendered child-rearing. Boys are taught that they are not allowed to cry; that tenderness, kindness and sadness are not masculine, and that the only acceptable emotions are happiness and anger. Girls are taught that they need to be nice and sweet and happy all of the time, and they tend to be punished more severely than boys are when they become angry or say no.

These gender stereotypes in relationship to emotions are extremely damaging. Boys that buy the message to “man up” (one of the most damaging phrases in the English language), end up unable to access hurt, sadness, kindness and compassion. Instead, they jump directly to anger when they feel any of the other emotions coming on. They believe that if they’re not happy, then anger is the only other acceptable thing to feel.

On the other hand, women who buy the “nice girl” message tend to have problems recognizing when their boundaries have been crossed. They tell me that they know that they should be angry, but they can’t access the feeling. Instead they blame themselves, thinking that they were somehow not good enough, and that if they could just be better, then people would treat them right. However, it doesn’t work that way, and they wear themselves to a nub trying to be “good enough,” (whatever that even means).

In therapy with the angry people, I work with them to pause when they feel the fire of anger rising within them and then feel into what lies underneath. Anger tends to be a secondary emotion that covers up an unconsciously rejected underlying feeling . For instance, instead of allowing feelings of hurt, a person may jump right over emotional pain and straight into anger. Other emotions people tend to bypass in favor of anger include: sad, vulnerable, rejected, and disrespected.

Once these angry people are able to tap into the underlying feeling, which can take a lot of work by the way, I encourage them to verbalize that feeling. Verbalizing it to the other person involved is best, if possible. However, if it’s not possible to tell the other person how you feel, saying to yourself, “Wow. I’m feeling really hurt right now, and it’s OK to feel that way,” is powerful. The more that these people do that, the more that they can override their childhood programming that anger and happiness are the only appropriate emotions.

On the other side of the coin, when I’m working in therapy with people who can’t access anger, I help them to give themselves permission to feel angry. What I’ve found is that these people often have anger and aggression confused. I explain to them that anger is healthy and normal, and that feeling the entire spectrum of human emotion, including anger, is a good thing. I help them to understand that being angry doesn’t have to mean that they behave aggressively. Sometimes, all it means is that they say, “Wow. That made me really mad!”

Then I work with them to understand the importance of boundaries in a relationship. Having bought into the idea that they have to be “good” and “nice” all of the time, they often fail to stand up for themselves when they need to, which is just as damaging to relationships as having angry tirades.

How is it so damaging, you ask? Well, here’s how it works. People that are trying to be nice all of the time tend to allow people to take advantage of them. If you’re thinking that other people shouldn’t try to take advantage, you’re right. They shouldn’t, but they do. Once these opportunists realize that the nice person won’t say no or get angry, they continue to take advantage, but also lose respect for them, leading to treating the nice person even more disrespectfully. If the nice person continues to try to curry favor with the disrespectful one, the relationship can become abusive. However, what often happens is that the nice person eventually builds up so much resentment that he/she lashes out uncharacteristically, or quietly leaves the relationship.

In the end the outcomes of both strategies are the same. The angry and aggressive person ends up alone because eventually people get tired of being bullied. The good/nice person ends up alone because he/she eventually becomes resentful enough about being taken advantage of to leave.

The solution to both of these problems is healthy boundaries. Here is an outline of the differences between healthy and unhealthy boundaries:

A. Collapsed Boundaries (The Good/Nice Person)

  • You can’t so no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
  • Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
  • You take on other’s problems as your own.
  • You share personal information too soon, before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
  • You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your relationships to create that for you.
  • You compromise your values or beliefs to avoid conflict.
  • You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
  • You lose control of your emotions easily.
  • You have no balance of power in relationships. you tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.

B. Rigid Boundaries (The Prickly Person)

  • You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
  • You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy).
  • You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
  • You rarely share personal information.
  • You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, or feelings.
  • You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and virtually no shared life.
  • You have difficulty asking for or receiving help from others.

C. Healthy Boundaries

  • You can so no or yes, and you are OK when others say no to you.
  • You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
  • You expect reciprocity in a relationship–you share responsibility and power.
  • You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
  • You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
  • You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
  • You know your own wants, needs, and feelings. You can communicate them clearly in your relationships.
  • You are committed to, and responsible for, exploring and nurturing your full potential.
  • You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
  • You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
  • You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
  • You are able to ask for help when you need it.
  • You don’t compromise your own values or integrity to avoid rejection.

If you recognized yourself in either the collapsed or the rigid categories, don’t be too hard on yourself. Knowing that boundaries are a problem for you is an important first step, and you can start today to work towards learning how to set healthy boundaries for yourself. My boundaries tend to be on the collapsed side, but they’re getting better all of the time, and I congratulate myself each time I say no to something that I don’t want to do, even though my impulse is to say yes, because this is what progress looks like.

You may also notice that your boundaries fall into different categories based on the relationship or the setting. For instance, you may have rigid boundaries at work and collapsed boundaries at home. Or, you may have collapsed boundaries in romantic relationships and healthy boundaries with friends. This is completely normal. As Louise Hay says, “the point of power is always now.” You can start today to change these behaviors and work towards happier and healthier relationships.

Be gentle with yourself as you start to make changes to your boundaries. This is a process. If you find yourself being unnecessarily harsh as you start learning to say no or ask for what you want in a healthy way, just acknowledge it and try again. This could look like, “Whew, that came out a little rough, let me try that again.” Usually people are extremely understanding when you explain that you’re working on a personal growth project.

As your boundaries get healthier, you’ll notice that your relationships with others become healthier, and that you attract healthier people and experiences into your life. It’s worth the work, and I encourage you to get started now.