I’ve been struggling all day with a terrible case of writer’s block. Most weeks my blog post will simply form in my head based on something that I experienced, read or thought a lot about during the week. This week, however, I sat in front of my computer with nothing. My world felt heavy and uninspiring and the words refused to come. After staring at the blank computer screen for a while, I went and watched The Trial of the Chicago Seven on Netflix (excellent, by the way). After the movie, I still couldn’t think of anything to say, so I started scrolling through Facebook. That’s when I saw a post sharing information from don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, and I thought, “Wow. I’ve never written about The Four Agreements, and that book is basically my guidebook for living. I’ve got my topic!”
Ruiz opens the book by describing what he calls “the domestication of the human.” He says that little children are completely wild. They do whatever they want and they don’t worry about what anyone thinks of them. Then, society (parents, teachers, etc.) introduces the concept of “no.” Children are told not to do things that come naturally to them, and they are told that they are bad when they do those things, or that they’re good when they do what society wants. They are rewarded with praise or attention when they do what society deems to be “good,” and they are punished when they do something society sees as “bad.” Over time the child internalizes these concepts of good and bad, and the system of beliefs about what is right and wrong becomes the adult person’s agreements with life.
Most people never question these agreements, but many of them are damaging. Ruiz suggests that by adopting four different agreements, the person can obtain personal freedom.
The First agreement is “be impeccable with your word.” Ruiz discusses how most people have an ongoing negative and self-critical internal dialogue. He calls this negative self talk “The Judge.” He says that The Judge is very ready and willing to point out and shame the person for any minor violation against their agreements. For instance, perhaps you have an agreement with life that it’s not OK fail. If you have this agreement, you might avoid trying new things because the risk of failure is just too high. However, we all have to do new things sometimes, and when you inevitably make mistakes, your internal Judge tells you that you are “stupid,” or “a loser.” You internally say things to yourself that you would likely be quite hesitant to say to other people. This internal harshness reinforces your agreement and makes it even more terrifying for you to do new things that might lead to failure.
Clearly this is a damaging process. In order to overcome it, you can adopt the agreement to be impeccable with your word, which means that instead of judging yourself harshly for any infraction, you instead agree to avoid self criticism–you agree not to say things that go against yourself. Over time this new agreement takes over and clears up the old agreement that you had not to ever make mistakes. Can you imagine how much freedom this would bring into your life?
The second agreement is “don’t take anything personally.” The great truth that Ruiz reveals here is that what other people do or say has nothing to do with you. I believe that this is 100% true. Other people’s actions are a product of their own agreements with life, and you have no control over those. If you think about it, when people apologize they say things like “I’m sorry. I was having a bad day.” They admit that it was never about you in the first place. You have no idea what that other person has been taught, the agreements they may have, or what pain they have endured. If they hurt you, it’s as a result of their own agreements with life, not a result of your unworthiness.
Now, it’s important to say here that not taking it personally does not mean that you put up with being mistreated. If someone is treating you badly, know that it’s not about you, and walk away. Think about how much pain this agreement could spare you. If someone behaves hurtfully to you, instead of taking it on, or trying to prove them wrong, you can simply know that it’s not about you at all and move on from it.
The third agreement is “don’t make assumptions.” It is my belief that most of the pain that people endure in life is due to making assumptions about other people’s thoughts, feelings, or motivations. For example, you’re walking down the hallway at work and you wave hello to your coworker, who seems to look at you and then walk away without returning your greeting. Since you don’t know why your coworker apparently ignored you, your mind starts coming up with stories to explain it. Our minds love explanations for things that don’t make sense to us, even if those explanations are not actually true.
Unfortunately, the explanations our minds tend to come up with are worst case scenario, so maybe your mind decides that your coworker is angry with you about something. You don’t know what it is that you’ve done to anger your coworker, but now you’re behaving defensively around that person, which actually results in that person disliking you. However, what you don’t know is that your coworker is near-sighted and didn’t have their glasses with them. It’s not that they were angry with you. They simply couldn’t see you.
Instead of making assumptions about other people’s behaviors, simply remind yourself that you don’t know what their motivations were. Then ask yourself how important it is that you find out. If it’s truly important to you, then go and ask the other person what happened. If it’s not, then drop it completely.
The fourth agreement is “always do your best.” This is probably my favorite one. Ruiz says that in every situation simply do the best that you can. Don’t do any more or any less than your best. The idea of doing more than your best had never occurred to me before, but it’s extremely important because I think that many people are spending their time doing more than their best and burning themselves out. That’s not healthy.
I also love this little tidbit from Ruiz. He says that if you’ve done your best, then when someone criticizes your performance, you have your answer, “I did my best.” It’s so true! And if someone says, “your best isn’t good enough,” please go back to agreement number two, don’t take anything personally. Clearly that person needs to reassess some of their own agreements. Doing your best is always something that you should be proud of.
Remember that your best will vary over time. Your best will be different when you are healthy and when you are sick. It will be different when you are rested and when you are tired. And your best is always going to be different from someone else’s best. That’s OK. If you truly did your best, then give yourself the credit that you deserve.
For more information, please check out don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, or any of the Toltec Wisdom books by the Ruizes (don Miguel or his sons), HeatherAsh Amara, or Carlos Castaneda. These writings have changed my life for the better in many ways, and I think that they can do the same for you.
It wasn’t until after my first marriage that I first heard about the concept of “gaslighting,” and as soon as I understood what it meant, I thought, “Wow! I wish I’d known about that years ago. That perfectly describes my 6 years of marriage.” I’m hopeful that I can save you years of pain and frustration by sharing this information with you now.
The term comes from the 1944 black and white film, “Gaslight,” which I’ve actually taken the time to rent on Amazon and watch for myself. It’s dated, but still a wonderful psychological thriller, and I definitely recommend it. In the movie, the main character marries a man that seems perfect in every way. He’s charming, handsome, wealthy, and appears to be completely in love with her. After the wedding they move to his ancestral home where things slowly and insidiously start to unravel. The woman’s belongings keep going missing and appearing in strange places, and the gaslights (from which the movie gets its name) keep turning on and off at strange times.
When the woman tells her husband about these peculiar occurrences, he tells her that they aren’t actually happening and that she is losing her mind. He even goes so far as to get a psychiatrist to examine her and back up his claims of her insanity. His insistence on her mental instability is so pervasive that she actually starts to believe that she is going crazy until the big reveal in the end, when we find out what his devious plan was the whole time. I won’t spoil it for you.
“Gaslight” is a wonderful example of the slow, methodical and insidious nature of gaslighting. It’s a long game power play where the perpetrator slowly makes the victim question her/his own reality. The Psychology Today article, “11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting” by Stephanie A. Sarkis, PhD, describes gaslighting this way, “Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed.” The slow and methodical nature of gaslighting is what gives it such power. Because of the steady and mounting message the victim receives that her/his senses can’t be trusted, it begins to feel like the truth.
According to Sarkis, there are 11 warning signs of gaslighting to watch out for, and I’d like to explore them here.
- They tell blatant lies
- They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.
- They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.
- They wear you down over time.
- Their actions do not match their words.
- They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.
- They know confusion weakens people.
- They project.
- They try to align people against you.
- They tell you or others that you are crazy.
- They tell you everyone else is a liar.
Let’s explore these symptoms in more detail. I think that the first two make a good pairing. Gaslighters love to lie. They use it as a tool to confuse you. Even if you have a recording of them doing the thing that they’re lying about, they will continue to lie and tell you that it didn’t happen. They’ll do it with a straight face and belittle you for trying to stand up for yourself, truth and reality. Why do they do this? Well, because over time it makes you start to question the nature of truth and facts. It makes you think that maybe nothing in the world is certain, which is exactly what they want. When you no longer know the nature of truth, you are easily manipulated to believe whatever the gaslighter wants you to believe.
Number three, using what is near and dear to you as ammunition against you, is a potent tool. My ex-husband used to use my religion against me–attempting to control me based on religious beliefs about gender and relational power dynamics. I’ve worked with clients who intimidated their partners into staying with them by saying that they would take away their children if they left. Remember that this is a power and control tactic. It’s not based in reality, but because it touches on deep-seated fears, beliefs, or values it works to intimidate and control the victim.
Number four, “they wear you down over time,” is an important one. Gaslighters start out with a friendly and welcoming demeanor, and charm their victims into trusting them, and then over time begin to introduce their power and control tactics one subtle drop at a time. By slowly chipping away at the victim’s reality and relationship to truth, victims often don’t realize that their worlds have become more and more confusing until they don’t trust their own senses at all, which leaves them in the precarious position of looking to the gaslighter to tell them what to believe. This is exactly the outcome that the gaslighter wants.
Number 5 is probably the biggest give-away of a gaslighter. “Their actions don’t match their words.” They tell you that they are going to do something, and then they don’t do it. They tell you something was done, and you then find out that it wasn’t. They make promises that they don’t keep, and then they tell you that they never promised it in the first place. If you start to notice this trend, run!
Number 6, “They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you” works like this. The gaslighter has told you that you’re crazy and don’t know anything one too many times, and you’re starting to think this person is a bully and you need to get out of the relationship, leave the company, or even the country. Then, suddenly the gaslighter does something nice for you, gives you a gift or a compliment, a tax break, etc. You think, “well, maybe they’re not so bad. Maybe I was over-reacting,” and then the gaslighting resumes even stronger than before.
As the victim’s confusion deepens, number 7 comes into play, “They know confusion weakens people.” Our ability to trust our own senses and interpretation of reality gives us a rootedness in life. By eroding your ability to trust that you know what is true and not true, the gaslighter is literally cutting you off at the root, leaving you weakened and dependent on them for support. That is the entire point of the gaslighting process.
Number 8, “They project.” This one is super weird when you experience it. You confront the gaslighter about bad behavior, and instead of taking responsibility, they accuse you of doing whatever it was that they did instead. For instance, my ex-husband used to accuse me of being bad with money when I would talk to him about the fact that he had just emptied our bank account. Gaslighters do this because it distracts you from the reality of what happened and makes you start defending yourself instead.
Number 9, “They try to align people against you.” This tactic may or may not be reality.
Gaslighters tell their victims that others are against them, and that the only person that the victim can trust is the gaslighter. Remember that they lie, so they may be making it up, but they may actually go so far as to poison people against you. I had an ex-boyfriend who called me “psycho-bitch” to anyone who would listen. By making people believe that I was crazy, he isolated me from my support system in an attempt to make me more dependent on him. This tactic also served to make people question the validity of my statements, especially about him and the way that he treated me.
Number 10, “They tell you or others that you are crazy.” I touched on this earlier, but this one is super important and bears repeating. I find that the operative word tends to be “psycho.” If anyone ever calls you psycho, run. If they call their exes psycho, run. If they call their family members psycho, run. Don’t look back. This person is very likely a gaslighter.
Number 11, “They tell you that everyone else is a liar.” Your world is already on shaky ground. You don’t know what is real and what isn’t anymore. You’re not sure that you can trust your own senses or that you’re mentally sound. Then, the gaslighter tells you that your family, the media, your friends, other countries, or some group are always lying to you. Since you don’t know what’s true anymore anyway, this gives the gaslighter the power to shape reality to his/her own benefit.
Anyone can fall victim to these tactics. This isn’t something that only happens gullible people. It happens to smart, educated and powerful people all of the time. If you’re reading this and recognizing that there is a gaslighter in your life, don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. Don’t try to change the gaslighter or reason with them. It won’t work. Just leave.
It will take time for the world to start to make sense again after being gaslit, and that’s OK. Give yourself the patience and gentleness that you were missing with the gaslighter while you heal and find your footing again. The important thing is to just be with yourself as long as it takes to get to the other side of healing.
Depressed people often tell me that they spend most of their time pretending to be happy. They feel that they must–that it’s expected of them. They say that they are exhausted by keeping up the pretense of cheerfulness, and that it feels like a mask that they wear to fool the people around them into thinking that they’re “normal.”
Every time someone tells me that they wear a mask of cheerful pretense, the Beatles song, Eleanor Rigby pops into my head:
Picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window
Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?”
Clearly this sense of wearing a mask to fool the world is not new or isolated. In fact, I would bet that we all have done it from time to time. Some of us are better at it than others. Personally, I’m terrible at it. When I try to pretend, I come off as cold and stiff, and everyone knows that I’m not acting normally.
Susan David, in her TED Talk, “The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage,” says that “being positive has become a new form of moral correctness.” She calls this “a tyranny of positivity.” I agree with her. Somehow pretending to be happy is seen as better than living an authentically felt life, and people are shamed for being “negative,” or displaying emotions seen as “bad.” As a result, people walk around wearing happy faces, but feeling dead inside.
You may wonder, what’s bad about pretending to be happy? Isn’t that the point of “fake it ’till you make it?” The answer is that pretending to be happy cuts us off from authentically connecting with other people, and authentic connection is one of the greatest and most basic needs of human beings.
Below is a picture of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which came up regularly in my college psychology courses. Starting from the bottom of the chart, you’ll see the most basic human needs for food, shelter, water, and clothing. Once those are satisfied, the next level is for safety. Directly after basic survival and safety comes love and belonging, including a sense of connection. Connection is not a luxury–something that might be nice to have one day. Connection is number 3 on the hierarchy of human needs. It’s that important.
However, there is a big difference between belonging and fitting in. Fitting in happens when people conform in order to be accepted into a group. Fitting in is that lonely feeling of wearing a face that you keep in a jar by the door. It’s the exhaustion that you feel after pretending to be happy all day when you want to cry on the inside. Fitting in does not fill that basic need for connection. Instead, it makes us feel even more lonely than being alone.
Belonging, on the other hand, is the feeling of ease that you have with a trusted friend. Belonging is the knowledge that it’s OK to show your authentic feelings, because the person that you’re with will understand and will continue to support and love you. It’s only in belonging that the basic need for a sense of connection is fulfilled.
In order to have true belonging, it’s necessary to be vulnerable, and while the idea of vulnerability may be so uncomfortable that it immediately makes you want to stop paying any attention to what I’m saying, please stay with me. This is important.
In her TED Talk, “The Power of Vulnerability,” Brene Brown explains that “in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen. Really seen.” In order to feel that authentic connection that is one of our basic human needs, we have to be able to take off the mask, stop pretending to be happy when we aren’t, and show our true faces. The longer that you’ve been pretending, the more vulnerable this will make you feel.
When I work with clients on their need to belong, they often tell me that the idea of not pretending is preposterous, and that there is no way that they would allow themselves to be so vulnerable. I tell them that the fact that they had such a strong reaction tells me that vulnerability and the ability to be authentic is where the true work is for them. If you’ve had a strong reaction to the idea of being more authentically vulnerable with people, the same goes for you.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you go around telling your deepest darkest secrets to everyone you meet. Being vulnerable with people is a process. It doesn’t happen all at once. If there is someone that you think you might like to get closer with, reveal something small to them and see if they can handle it, and if they share something small with you in return. If so, try sharing something a little bit more personal, and so on. Creating true connection takes time, and you should only share your most personal stories with people who have earned the right, and have shown you that they are worthy. This is the way to build authentic connection with people who are safe.
Will there be times that you will pick the wrong person and get hurt? Of course there will be. However, building belonging in your life is worth the risk.
Belonging heals. In tribal cultures, when a member of the group is sick, the entire community takes part in the healing. The whole group comes out and dances around the fire, sings, or talks with the sick person. While these treatments aren’t necessarily scientific, people often do get well simply because the entire group showed up for them. Can you imagine how it would feel if your entire community showed up for you when you needed them?
Because so many people in Western culture confuse fitting in with belonging, and refuse to take the scary step towards vulnerability, the power of authentic belonging has eroded. When people are depressed or sick, they tend to end up more isolated than they were before their illnesses, and their isolation makes them sicker.
I would like to challenge you to examine your relationships. How many of them are based on fitting in and how many are based on true belonging and authentic connection? If you don’t have many authentic relationships, take the leap into vulnerability with the people that you feel have earned the right to it, and start building true belonging into your life. You’ll be glad that you did.